I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
