Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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