So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
