I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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