my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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