i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just cropdusted the office
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
