Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
