I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
