420 ftw
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
