the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
