Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
