On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
