Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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