it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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