saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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