i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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