I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
