I wish my penis had an off switch
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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