i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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