my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
