Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(850): View more from Florida

Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.

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(325): View more from Texas

just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless

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(631): View more from New York

Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.

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(253): View more from Washington

Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.

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(302): View more from Delaware

That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure

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