made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
