make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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