so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just puked most of my soul out..
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