She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
