how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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