An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
