capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
