i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She needs sedatives and a leash
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
