I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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