Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
