Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
