Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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