I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
