my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
