Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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