my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
