sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
