i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
