Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
