I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
