My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
