Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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