I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
