I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
