we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
