Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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