I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
