you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
