Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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