dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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