A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
