im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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